Monday, 29 August 2011

Catwoman (2004)



Where's Mary Bale when you need her?

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is killed after discovering an evil plot is taking place over at the cosmetics company. She is then brought back to life, gifted with new powers, and newly found confidence, becoming the masked vigilante known as...Catwoman.

I have seen some horrible comic-book adaptations in my time. I've seen the Fantastic Four be anything but fantastic,Spiderman go emo and Joel Schumacher's take on the Batman franchise, but nothing is as horrificly adaptated as Catwoman.

There was a reason why Catwoman was given her own movie, she is one cool cat (sorry). She is an kick-ass thief whose loyalties are subject to change due to her liking and, with the right script, could successfully pull off a great movie. With that is where lies this films main problem, it isn't the Catwoman known to us from the Batman films or anything close to resembling her, except the name. This Catwoman isn't a thief who relies on her skills to get what she wants, this is a Catwoman who's brought back to life by an Egyptian Mau Cat and granted Cat-like abilities, with an inexplicably dull mythology to go behind the ridiculous reviving cat. This is nothing like the Catwoman, and you could tell that from the horrible costume design which makes this kitty look more like one big slutty pussy.

The plot is nothing short of completely ridiculous. The villians are the head of a cosmetic company, whose evil plot involves a deadly skin cream. The skin cream is anti-aging, and the people have to keep using it or their face will become disfigured. No matter how many times you hear that villainous plot, it doesn't sound any less ridiculous, with it'd only be more obvious if she was wearing a bloody sign around her neck, but I suppose a large amount of this is due to Stone's performance.

At best, Halle Berry does a mediocre job with the role, which isn't a criticism. She's a good actress, but she isn't given a lot to work with here. Her characters transformation into Catwoman isn't subtle in the slightest, it's out there and in your face as if the film is shouting "SHE'S TURNING INTO A CAT!". We get Dogs barking at Patience, her landing on all fours and scenes of her eating Cat food. They could only be less subtle if they had a scene where she licks her privates.

"And I thought it was bad enough making Basic Instinct 2"

You don't have to look hard to notice the plot holes in this film. The biggest attention grabbing one is the fact that Patience was supposedly given cat-like abilities, yet manages to kick a door off it's hinges, ride a motorbike and play a mean game of Basketball. I don't consider myself an expert when it comes to animals, but i'm pretty sure that cats don't possess enhanced strength and that they are unable to ride a motorbike, let alone play a one-on-one game of b-ball.

The director, Pitof, manages to make a compelte balls-up of the effects and CG, as her leaping scenes look more of the frog kind than of a cat, her movements up the walls look more like a bug and it doesn't take much concentration to notice which scenes it is that a CG version of Halle Berry is being used instead of the live version of the actress. He also manages to make most of the scenes become overwhelmed by one singular colour, bringing flashbacks of Battlefield Earth. The action sequences have to be some of the most snore-inducing action scenes committed to cinema.

Catwoman is, without a doubt, the worst comic-book movie ever made. Period. Batman and Robin may have pissed all over the Batman franchise, but Catwoman takes a runny shit all over it and then wipes it's arse with the original comic books. The only good thing to come from this is Halle Berry's acceptance speech for worst actress at the Razzies.

3 comments:

  1. This sounds very dumb. Splendid review, your getting better :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Excellent review. I remember liking this when I was in middle school, but that was probably because I was a horny bastard with the hots for Halle Berry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The acceptence speech was great. Nice job. I've followed you.

    ReplyDelete