Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Blog: My least anticipated films for 2013

So, 2013 has begun (suck it, Mayans!) and there are loads of films which we are all looking forward to. But sadly, there's also many films out there which don't look very good.

So, without further ado, here is my top 20 list of the films I am least anticipating this year.

I feel I should point out that this list isn't me predicting which of this years films will suck, it's merely me listing the ones that i'm looking forward to the least. But let's be honest, there's quite a few here that we don't need psychic powers to know will suck.

Honourable Mentions:

The Great Gatsby Baz Luhrrman's flamboyant eye looks to have given a garish style to F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel, and does a film set in the Roaring Twenties really need to be in 3D? At least we can count on a great performance from Leonardo DiCaprio.

The Hangover Part III How many times can these guys go through the same shit? Hopefully it'll be a change in formula rather than a Home Alone 2/Die Hard 2/Hangover Part II retread/remake.

The Tomb Generic action with a ludicrous plot akin to a 90s film? No thanks.

Safe Haven Another bland looking film based on a formulaic Nicolas Sparks novel.

Beautiful Creatures So far, it just looks like the next Twilight, but I am willing to be proven wrong.

Identity Thief Trailer was unfunny, which is disappointing considering the actors behind it.


20. The Host


Release Date: March 29th

Premise: Parasitic aliens called "Souls" have invaded the Earth and possess humans minds. Melanie Stryder's body has been inhabited by a Soul named Wanderer, but she refuses to fade away. Wanderer starts to see Melanie's memories, in which she sees her loved ones and eventually finds a connection with them, too. Melanie is trapped inside Wanderer's mind, speaking to her mentally, when both decide to set off and find Melanie's loved ones.

Why?: The trailer and the synopsis do not fill me with much interest, and the fact that the books from the creator of Twilight does not help.

Silver Lining: Despite Stephanie Meyer writing the book, that doesn't mean the film will be resigned to the same level of hatred her other franchise had from the world over (me included). After all, it's written and directed from the writer of The Truman Show. Plus the cast is composed of many great actors such as Diane Kruger, Saoirse Ronan and Jake Abel, who each deserve more work, and this could be the film to truly make them breakout like the Twilight films did for Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and the other cast members.


19. Turbo


Release Date: July 19th

Premise: Turbo is a snail who dreams of being the best racer in the world.

Why?: Right now, the plot sounds pretty unimpressive and cliched. After all, a film about racing is what counts as the worst of Pixars films, so maybe this should be a cautionary tale for Dreamworks also.

Silver Lining: The quality of Dreamworks' films has been steadily improving for quite some time, plus take a look at the cast list. Ryan Reynolds, Richard Jenkins, Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Hader, Paul Giamatti.


18. Escape From Planet Earth

Teaser poster
Release Date: February 14th

Premise: Alien Astronaut Scorch Supernova finds himself caught in a trap when he responds to an SOS on Earth. It's then up to his nerdy brother Gary to save him.

Why?: If the trailer is any indication on the overall film, the humor will be relegated to the bottom of the barrel humor you see in an awful kids film.

Silver Lining: The story and character interactions may be heartwarming.


17. Planes

Release Date: August 9th

Premise: A spin-off from Cars centering around one Plane. Oh, joy.

Why?: The film was originally set to be released straight-to-DVD, but was then changed to be released theatrically. So you have a theatrically released film with a straight-to-DVD budget. Plus the fact that it's a spin-off from Pixars worst films doesn't help, when everyone would rather see a Frozone spin-off from The Incredibles, or even a spin-off of the Bear triplets from Brave.

Silver Lining: It may be better than any of us are expecting. I wouldn't hold your breath, though.



16. Tyler Perry Presents We The Peeples

Release Date: 10th May

Premise: A psychologist realizes his professional help is needed when he arrives unannounced at his girlfriend's family's annual end-of-summer party.

Why?: The synopsis sounds awful. Since that is all the information I currently have on the film, I cannot say I am looking forward to it.

Silver Lining: Tyler Perry's only presenting it, as opposed to starring in it.


15. A Good Day To Die Hard

Release Date: February 14th

Premise: John McClane travels to Moscow and is coincidentally caught in the crossfire of a terrorist plot with his estranged son.

Why?: From the director of Max Payne with a script from the writer of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (yes, I didn't hate that film, but the script was undoubtedly the worst thing about it).

Silver Lining: Just because they contributed to bad films in the past, that doesn't automatically mean this will be bad. It just makes it more of a plausible outcome.


14. Bullet to the Head

Release Date: February 1st

Premise: A hitman teams with a Washington DC detective in a high stakes investigation, to take on all who stand in their way and get their revenge.

Why?: From the trailer, it looks to be a max and match of Taken (kidnapped daughter), any buddy cop film with generation gap jokes and any revenge flick, only with Jason Momoa and a mumbling Sylvester Stallone. None of which really sounds too appealing.

Silver Lining: How about the sight of Khal Drogo VS Rocky Balboa?


13. After Earth


Release Date: June 7th

Premise: After crash landing on Earth, 1,000 years after events that forced humanity to leave, teenager Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith) and his father Cypher (Will Smith) are stranded, with Cypher critically injured. Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help, facing uncharted terrain, evolved animal species that rule the planet, and an unstoppable alien creature that escaped during the crash. The Father and son must learn to work together and learn to trust one another if they want any chance of escaping Earth and returning home

Why?: Once upon a time, M. Night Shyamalan was one of the most promising directors, even referred to as the next Spielberg. Many films later, people have learnt to not look forward to an M. Night film, knowing they'll be hurt as the director has lost his touch and cannot reclaim it after having Marky Mark vs Nature and an abortion of a Nickelodeon adaptation.

Silver Lining: Will Smith signing up with his son is probably the only silver lining I can find for this film. Plus, while M. Night won't reclaim the highs of The Sixth Sense, he must at least be able to better himself than the lows of The Last Airbender, right?


12. Fast and Furious 6

Release Date: May 24th

Premise: As of now, all we know is that it involves loads of the cast members from previous films returning and lots of cars racing.

Why?: To this day, all I have seen of this franchise is The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and the opening of Fast and Furious (twice!), and none of this has interested me into giving this franchise a watch.

Silver Lining: Fast Five was surprisingly loved by critics, so maybe this will follow suit and be loved by critics also.


11. The Last Exorcism 2

Release Date: 15th March

Premise: As Nell tries to build a new life after the events of the first film, the evil force that once possessed her returns with an even more horrific plan.

Why?: Firstly, let's address how it's pointless to call a film The Last Exorcism when it's given a sequel. While I did mostly enjoy the first film, the main sore point was with the ending which felt ripped from another film. After that, I have no desire to see what happens to Nell afterwards, as it'll mean a return to whatever messed up shark-jumping demon appeared at the end of the first film.

Silver Lining: It could still be somewhat intriguing. Plus, the synopsis makes it sound like the found-footage format has been (hopefully) ditched from this film. Last thing we need is another Paranormal Activity style franchise that doesn't know where to quit with it's constant found footage-ness.


10. Paranormal Activity 5

Release Date: October 25th

Premise: No idea, but all we know is that Katie is still possessed by the demon.

Why?: This franchise has more lives than a Buddhist cat. I only saw the first one and thought it was good, but didn't feel compelled to continue on the franchise, so this placing is more of me not interested in watching the 5th film of a franchise when I haven't seen the prior 3 films. Besides, from what I hear about people complaining how the franchise is 90% set-up and not even 10 minutes of jump scares, and keeps returning every Halloween, like the Saw films, and I have little interest in watching that.

Silver Lining: Maybe it'll surprise us by being good, like what happened with the third film (so I hear).


9. Battle of the Year: The Dream Team

Release Date: September 13th

Premise: Two men try to put together a team for the upcoming Battle of the Year competition, under the idea that with proper coaching any team can be victorious.

Why?: The trailer does nothing to set this film apart from every other 'underdog team in the competition' film there is, packed with by the numbers dialogue and characterization. Plus, the fact that it stars crappy musician/woman-beater Chris Brown really doesn't help it in my eyes.

Silver Lining: Josh Holloway is a brilliant actor who deserves more work, especially now that Lost has ended, so he may at least give us a good performance.


8. Grown Ups 2

Release Date: July 12th (US), 16th August (UK)

Premise: A group of frat boys (including Taylor Lautner and Costa from Project X) face off against the main characters.

Why?: It's the sequel to Grown Ups and an Adam Sandler film. Plus, the cast list doesn't seem too promising, what with Taylor Lautner, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shaquille O'Neal also appearing.

Silver Lining: The script was written by Fred Wolf, who used to write for the animated series Duck Tales. Yes, that's the best thing I could come up with.


7. The Smurfs 2



Release Date: July 31st

Premise: Gargamel creates 2 evil Smurf-like creatures called the Naughties and looks to use them to make Smurfette into one of them, so the Smurfs must return to the real world.

Why?: The first Smurfs film was an awful & unfunny mess from the director of the Scooby Doo films, and from the looks of the trailer, the sequel doesn't look like it'll do anything differently.

Silver Lining: Neil Patrick Harris will give a good performance, and Hank Azaria may have one or two moments where he's actually funny.


6. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor


Release Date: March 29th

Premise: A marriage counselor falls in love with one of his patients. Yep, that's it.

Why?: It's a Tyler Perry film, so if you want laughs, you'd be better off watching Snowtown. Then there's the simplistic plot which sounds like it'll be rife with cliche, and the fact it stars Kim Kardashian.

Silver Lining: It's based off a play, so perhaps it'll be better than my preconceptions believe it will be.


5. 21 and Over


Release Date: March 1st

Premise: When straight-A student Jeff Chang's two best friends take him out for his 21st birthday on the night before an important medical school interview, oh you can fill the rest.

Why?: How does this sound to you? "Written and directed by the guys responsible for writing Chicken Little, The Change-Up, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and The Hangover Part II". Plus, how many films of people drinking and partaking in general debauchery will there be? Surely that well's dried up by now?

Silver Lining: It may lead to an OAP film about people drinking and partaking in general debauchery, which would be more welcome than another Hangover film.


4. Texas Chainsaw 3D

Release Date: January 4th

Premise: Picking up where the original '74 film ended, the citizens of Texas burn down the house of the Sawyer family, with the entire family presumed dead, except for one infant who is placed into adoption. 20 years later, the infant is called Heather and goes to Texas to collect her long-lost grandmother's inheritance, which includes her cousin Leatherface.

Why?: Firstly is the fact that 99% of 21st century horror remakes are awful. Then there's the plot, which attempts to tie into the original story by including a conveniently surviving baby. Then there's how the director was responsible for Takers and how the film was made by the studio responsible for the Saw films, Repo! The Genetic Opera and other lesser known (but just as bad) horrors. We haven't even mentioned how the word 'Massacre' has gone missing from the title.

Silver Lining: Original Leatherface, Gunnar Hansen, will make an appearance. Sadly, it won't be as Leatherface though.


3. Black Rock

Release Date: 17th May

Premise: Three childhood friends reunite for a girls weekend on a remote island, but one wrong move turns their getaway into a deadly fight for survival.

Why?: I have included the trailer below, that is all the reasoning you need. From the ever present cliches to the horrible dialogue, from the hackneyed attempt at a 'female empowerment' message by conveying men as overly violent and unable to control their horny feelings, this looks spectacularly awful.

Hell, this was at number 6 when I started this post, and dropped down to 3 after writing this.

Silver Lining: This could turn into the best stupid film since The Room.




2. A Haunted House


Release Date: January 11th

Premise: A parody of Paranormal Activity, with fart jokes, black stereotypes and Marlon Wayans making us forget he was good in Requiem for a Dream.

Why?: When it rains, it bloody well pours. Not one, but two spoof films released in the space of four months (more on the other one later). It doesn't help that A Haunted House looks terrible or that the only way the title could be any more unimaginative is if it was merely called 'A Movie'.

Silver Lining: It's not part of the Scary Movie franchise.

1. Scary Movie 5

Release Date: April 19th

Premise: There's a plot for this film? Of course not, there's merely a formula.
  • Take 1 part 'anything popular'
  • Replace all actors with cheaper lookalikes and/or actors (using that term loosely) who are desperate for money and/or will star in anything (with the exception of Nicolas Cage)
  • Subtract anything humorous
  • Rinse and repeat for 90 minutes
  • Collect paycheck
Why?: Why the need for any spoof films? Surely people are sick and tired of these films by now? And do we really need a second film released this year parodying the Paranormal Activity franchise?

Silver Lining: No silver lining here, fuck this movie.


What films are you least looking forward to in 2013? Do you agree/disagree with my choices? Say so in the comments below

2 comments:

  1. Ahh the Host...I've actually read the book. Meh.

    And why did The Smurfs warrant The Smurfs 2? Ugh.

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    Replies
    1. Because The Smurfs was sadly one of the 10 best grossing films of 2011.

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