Thursday, 9 January 2014

Blog: My least anticipated films for 2014

Once again, we have entered another year with the promise of wonderful films to thrill us, excite us and make us feel wonderful. Sadly, you know the drill, there's also many cinematic turds which will bore us, be packed with bad performances and make us wish for the gift of immediate amnesia. So let us venture to see the top 25 films I am least anticipating for 2014.

As usual, I should point out that this isn't a guarantee which films will suck, just a list as to which i'm least anticipating.


Honourable Mentions:

Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters It may be from the director of Mean Girls, but it looks like a poor
The Equalizer With the writer of The Mechanic and the director of Olympus Has Fallen on board, this looks to be an all action, no brains flick.
Maleficent Script may be written by Paul Dini, but do we really need another live action adaptation of an animated film?
Addicted From the director of Honey and Honey 2...
Walk of Shame From the writer & director of Little Nicky comes this ridiculous sounding comedy.

25. Jessabelle

Release Date: 29th August

Premise: A young woman recuperating at her father's run-down home after a tragic accident soon encounters a terrifying presence with a connection to her long-deceased mother.

Why?: Considering it's from the writer of Balls of Fury and The Pacifier, and the director of Saw 3D, there's not a lot of hope for this one. The generic sounding premise doesn't help things either.

Silver Lining: It might surprise everyone, like The Conjuring did last year.

24. Home

Release Date: 26th November

Premise: A group of aliens seek refuge by hiding out on Earth.

Why?: A cast comprised of J-Lo, Jim Parsons, Rihanna and Steve Martin. So a former singer turned poor actress, star of an overhyped show, a current singer turned poor actress and a comedian way past his glory days. The director of Over The Hedge doesn't help things either.

Silver Lining: Dreamworks have been proving themselves as a force to be reckoned with recently, bringing out quality films that can go toe for toe with Pixar, so this one may be surprising.

23. Tyler Perry's The Single Moms Club

Release Date: March 14th

Premise: Brought together by a vandalism incident at their children's school, a group of single mothers from different walks of life bond, and create a support group that helps them find comedy in the obstacles of life.

Why?: The trailer is one which contains the whole film, beginning with the idea that single parents equals messed up kids, and then moving on to the main women getting together as they each navigate through love. Pass on this patronizing looking film from mediocre director and unfunny man Tyler Perry.

Silver Lining: It won't get a UK release.

22.  Dracula Untold

Release Date: October 17th

Premise: Vampire mythology combined with the true story of Vlad the Impaler.

Why?: How many more Dracula stories do we really need? Plus, the idea of combining a real life figure with Bram Stoker's literary figure brings back memories of Dracula 2001's Judas Iscariot twist.

Silver Lining: Starring Luke Evans, Dominic Cooper, Charlie Cox and Samantha Banks, at least the acting will be good.

21. Night At The Museum 3

Release Date: December 25th

Premise: The plot has not been revealed at this point, but it's safe to guess it involves beings coming to life in a museum.

Why?: If the first two are any indication, the third film will be the same safe humor that scores big with the kids and groans from everyone else.

Silver Lining: This film series is usually packed with actors who you can depend on to give a good performance, so there's that.

20. The Purge 2

Release Date: June 20th

Premise: The plot is unknown at the time, but expect more of the same.

Why?: The first film had a ridiculous plot and didn't even try to take a look into that world, just focus on one family and do a poor survival horror. Since that didn't cost much to do and made a lot of money, don't expect a change in formula.

Silver Lining: Since the plot is unknown, it could be surprising and take a look more into the world. Plus, Michael K Williams is in it.

19. Planes: Fire & Rescue

Release Date: July 18th

Premise: All that is known is Dusty Crap Crophopper returns.

Why?: After the poor spin-off from Disney's weakest franchise, we get another sequel to follow it? And released a year after the first film, expect a rush job unless this gets pushed back.

Silver Lining: Could be charming and have heart.

Ride Along movie poster.png18. Ride Along


Release Date: January 17th

Premise: A security guard joins his cop brother in-law for a ride along to prove he's worth of marrying the cop's sister.

Why?: Kevin Hart is proving to be the next Tracy Morgan with his annoying overacting. Plus the lack of laughs and generic plot don't help things.

Silver Lining: Ice Cube's straight man shtick provided many laughs in 21 Jump Street, so it could provide some here.

17. Search Party

Release Date: September 12th

Premise: A pair of friends embark on a mission to reunite their pal with the woman he was going to marry.

Why?: From the writer of many Todd Phillips films, including The Hangover Part II and Starsky & Hutch, and even the direct to DVD sequel to Road Trip. So much for it being billed as a comedy.

Silver Lining: Starring Community's Allison Brie and Breaking Bad's Krysten Ritter.

16. Raze
Raze (2013) Poster
Release Date: N/A

Premise: Focuses on abducted women who are forced to fight each other to survive.

Why?: This looks to be the type of film that tries to use female empowerment as an excuse to excessively show scenes of women knocking the crap out of each other, and looks depressingly moody.

Silver Lining: It could provide some compelling characters and good action scenes.

Transformers4 Teaser Poster.jpeg15. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Release Date: June 27th

Premise: More giant robots fighting, only with Mark Wahlberg as an inventor and a father.

Why?: The first 3 Transformers films have proved to be style over substance, choosing to deliver a CG heavy array of Giant Robots beating the crap out of each other, juvenile jokes and scantily clad women over a comprehensible plot, well written characters and a manageable running time. So considering Michael Bay and Ehren Krueger have returned for directing and writing duties, expect more of the same giant toy commercials.

Silver Lining: The third film was an improvement over the awful second one, proving Bay and Krueger learnt from their mistakes, so there could be hope they've learnt from the rest of their mistakes. Also, dinobots!

14. I, Frankenstein
I Frankenstein Poster.jpg
Release Date: January 24th

Premise: Frankenstein's monster is involved in a war between two immortal clans.


Why?: It looks like a rip-off of the Underworld franchise, only without the leather-clad female protagonist.

Silver Lining: The writers haven't been stupid enough to say Frankenstein was the creatures name, but he took the name from his deceased creator. Lord knows how irritating that mistake is.

Dorothy of Oz Poster.jpg13. Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return

Release Date: May 9th

Premise: Dorothy returns to Oz to help her friends.

Why?: The cheap looking animation of the dead behind the eyes characters looks to be an indicator that this should be released straight to DVD, and the casting of Jim Belushi helps nothing.

Silver Lining: Brian Blessed is making an appearance.

Blended (2014) Poster.jpg12. Blended


Release Date: May 23rd

Premise: After a bad blind date, a man and woman find themselves stuck together at a resort for families, where their attraction grows as their respective kids benefit from the burgeoning relationship.

Why?: Despite proving he can do good comedy (Happy Gilmore, The Wedding SingerHotel Transylvania), Adam Sandler is notorious for bringing bad comedies to the world, and for a good reason. This is the man who gave us Grown Ups 2, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and multi-razzie winner Jack and Jill, films which were notorious for their mean spirited streak, excessive swearing, gross out gags and racism. Plus, it's from the director of Click.

Silver Lining: Terry Crews will appear, so expect something to chuckle at.

Pompeii-poster.jpg11. Pompeii

Release Date: February 21st

Premise: A slave turned gladiator finds himself in a race against time to save his true love, who has been betrothed to a corrupt Roman Senator. As Mount Vesuvius erupts, he must fight to save his beloved as Pompeii crumbles around him

Why?: Paul WS Anderson is a director whose every cinematic release brings a sense of dread to the movie loving public, because by now, we know not to expect anything good. So the decision to focus on a contrived forbidden love story between a slave and a wealthy official's daughter, when they already have a plethora of potential for a story with the eruption of Pompeii? No thanks.

Silver Lining: Kit Harrington has proved to be a good actor in HBO's Game of Thrones, plus with a cast of Keifer Sutherland, Jared Harris and Carrie Anne Moss,

Dumbbells film poster.jpg10. Dumbbells


Release Date: January 10th

Premise: A former Basketball star turned trainer attempts to save the future of his gym, by preventing it from

Why?: From the trailer, it's easy to ascertain that there's little more to this film than scantily dressed women, juvenile attempts at humor and washed up model Fabio earning his paycheck.

Silver Lining: It's only getting a limited release.

The Nut Job poster.jpg9. The Nut Job

Release Date: January 17th

Premise: Surly, a curmudgeon, independent squirrel is banished from his park and forced to survive in the city. Lucky for him, he stumbles on the one thing that may be able to save his life, and the rest of park community, as they gear up for winter - Maury's Nut Store.

Why?: The trailer makes this look like a pointless kids flick, with dumb characters and poor jokes, including toilet humor, cobbled together simply for the purposes of making money. Also, if you're sick of Gangnam Style by now, PSY will cameo as himself, and guess which song will play during the end credits?

Silver Lining: The cast are dependable

Tarzan (2014 film).jpg8. Tarzan

Release Date: February 20th

Premise: Tarzan and Jane Porter must face an army sent by the CEO of Greystoke Energies, the very man who took over the company after Tarzan's parents died in a plane crash.

Why?: The ugly animation, the generic looking "nature VS evil corporation" storyline, the addition of an alien substance and what looks like Jane being utilized just as a love interest and someone to be kidnapped. This could easily be the worst family film of the year.

Silver Lining: It'll have people watching the Disney version to cleanse their minds of this version.

Devil's Due Poster.jpg7. Devil's Due

Release Date: January 17th

Premise: After a mysterious, lost night on their honeymoon, a newlywed couple finds themselves dealing with an earlier-than-planned pregnancy. While recording everything for posterity, the husband begins to notice odd behavior in his wife that they initially write off to nerves, but, as the months pass, it becomes evident that the dark changes to her body and mind have a much more sinister origin.

Why?: From the trailer alone, with the unnecessary found footage and the laughably bad looking scenes, I would bet that this is 2014's The Devil Inside.

Silver Lining: Eli Roth's praised it in some tweets.

6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Release Date: August 8th

Premise: Aliens invade Earth and inadvertently spawn four mutant turtles, who rise up against them to defend the Earth.

Why?: Firstly, do we need Michael Bay's fingerprints all over another childhood favourite? Let's not forget the robot testicles and humping Autobots from the Transformers franchise. Next, the casting. For April O'Neill, they have Megan Fox, who has less expressions than a plank of wood. For the Shredder, they've white-washed the character for William Finchter to play him. For Splinter, they've gotten Danny Woodburn, a stand up comedian, rather than someone with gravitas. And Whoopi Goldberg? Expect groan-inducing "humor".

Silver Lining: They took out the ridiculous idea of the turtles actually being aliens, which is a plus. Also, Michael Bay's not directing, merely producing. But director Jonathan Liebesman did give us Battle: Los Angeles, Wrath of The Titans and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning....

5. The Legend of Hercules

Hercules (2014 film) poster.jpgRelease Date: January 10th

Premise: After being betrayed by his royal stepfather, the demigod Hercules must fight his way back from exile and slavery to overthrow the king.

Why?: From the trailer, this looks like a cheap, rip-off of the Spartacus: Blood and Sand TV series, only with less fun and a lot more bad performances.

Silver Lining: Being the first of two Hercules films to be released in 2014, maybe this will be the better of the two.

4. The Other Woman

The Other Woman (2014 film) poster.jpg
Release Date: April 25th

Premise: After realizing her boyfriend is married, a woman teams up with the wife for revenge.

Why?: Imagine the characters in the film had their genders reversed. Having a man find out his girlfriend is married and then teaming up with the husband to ruin her life. People would be appalled, especially if the poster had the tagline "She'll never know what hit her" underneath the image of brass knuckles. Yet if it's women ruining a man's life and acting violent, it's all okay. Just to be clear, i'm not advocating for a scenario with the genders are reversed or defending the cheating mans character, just bemoaning how society glamorizes violence against men.

Plus, it doesn't help how shallow, petty and buffoonish the trailer makes the women look.

Silver Lining: We'll get a good performance from Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.

A Haunted House 2.jpg3. A Haunted House 2

Release Date: March 28th

Premise: After losing his girlfriend in a car crash, Malcolm dates a mother of two, has more paranormal events occurring and has to deal with his ex's ghost.

Why?: The first film only came out 14 months before this one's release, and was offensive, tasteless and nothing resembling the word funny. Expect more of the same and sigh at its box office takings.

Silver Lining: Nick Swardson won't be back, and neither will David Koechner's racist character.

2. Superfast/Best Night Ever

Release Date: June/N/A

Premise: A spoof of the Fast and the Furious franchise./Claire is about to get married and she goes to Las Vegas with her sister and two friends for her bachelorette party. Things quickly spiral out of control.

Why?: From Friedberg and Seltzer! The first is a spoof of the Fast and Furious films, the second of found footage films and Spring Breakers. Both are from the people who brought us Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Vampires Suck and many other cinematic turds.

Silver Lining: If The Starving Games is any indication, they may not even get a cinematic release.

1. The Hungover Games
The Hungover Games (2014) Poster
Release Date: February 4th

Premise: It's a spoof of The Hunger Games starring poor copies of the characters from The Hangover.

Why?: Not contend with making poor attempts of jokes out of one franchise, Josh Stolberg has combined two popular franchises for a first class experience in how to make a film out of bad fanfiction. Not to mention that from the trailer, this looks juvenile, offensive and devoid of laughs, but I didn't need to mention the last one.

Silver Lining: It looks like the type of poorly made film that'll either go straight to DVD, or bomb and be forgotten about immediately after its release.

What are your least anticipated films for 2013? Do you agree/disagree with my choices? Say so in the comments below

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