Saturday, 11 February 2017

20 Worst Films of 2016

It has been 42 days since 2016 left our lives, and I've only just managed to finish my list of the films I was unfortunate enough to witness. So, these are my worst films of 2016.

Expect a Best of 2016 list to follow soon after.


Dishonourable Mentions

*The Huntsman: Winter's War, a forced spin-off which wastes an impressive cast on poor material.
*Alice Through The Looking Glass, which asks viewers to root for an unengaging lead who's the cause of the bad things which occur. Don't stick around for Depp's bargain bin performance.
*Monster Trucks, where Lucas Till imprisons a lost creature and forces it to work for him, after trying to kill it, resulting in vehicular carnage and presumably many deaths. Sounds like a thriller, yet it's played out in the vein of E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial.
*Me Before You, a film whose main focus is manipulating audiences to cry, made at the expense of a decent script and characterization.
*Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie, which attempts to use a wide array of cameos to distract from the poor material on hand.

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20. The Heroes Of Evil

There are some intriguing ideas for a story within The Heroes of Evil, but none of them materialise into anything substantial, or actually of interest. The trio of characters are given the most basic, underwritten characterisation possible, while dull shock tactics are relied upon to carry the story.

Against a backdrop of Egyptian pyramids, an ensemble cast of Egyptian gods and humans on differing scales pose.

19. Gods Of Egypt

One should admire how intent director Alex Proyas is in forging his own path, and bringing together many disparate elements (even if it can be unintentionally humorous). But when the film delivers such moments in a manner this disastrous and dull, Gods of Egypt becomes a chore to sit through.




18. London Has Fallen

Yep, Gerard Butler's made this list again. This time, he portrays a borderline American psychopath, who makes London's police force look inept and helpless. But, no matter how many monuments get destroyed or last minute attempts at commentary get crammed in, London Has Fallen cannot make up for its failings. All we're left with is an embarrassing motion picture, likely brought to life through bourbon and poor choices.

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17. The Girl On The Train

It's clear The Girl On The Train was made with the hopes of captivating moviegoers, similarly to how Gone Girl did a couple years ago. But what comes to screen is more resembling of a trashy Channel 5 movie. An infuriating picture that will make one want to throw a plate of devilled eggs.





16. The Divergent Series: Allegiant

It's concerning how the franchise about being original is anything but, and The Divergent Series: Allegiant does nothing to alleviate that concern. The shoddy screenplay (from four different writers!) fails to give the talented cast anything to work with, and leaves little worth anticipating for the final instalment (which will now be seen as a TV movie).

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15. The Do-Over

Late on in The Do-Over, director Steve Brill delivers what's meant to be a nice moment, showing a completely generic attempt at visualising a happy family. The scene is then punctuated by the visual of an elderly woman, showing off her sagging breasts, for the purposes of "comedy". This is an appropriate moment to describe the overall picture: lazy.

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14. Suicide Squad

By now, it's become a cliche to bring up a films tagline when commenting on its quality. "Worst. Heroes. Ever." may have been intended as tongue in cheek, but when has a films tagline been such a self-fulfilling prophecy? Suicide Squad is a disastrous picture, as well as one of 2016's more disappointing efforts.




13. Grimsby

For a film that's labelled as an action comedy, it's worrying when you're left uncertain which aspect was handled worse. But that's the unfortunate circumstance the latest Sacha Baron Cohen starrer has left us with.




12. The Chickening

It is no kind of understatement when I say this is a weird one. Nick DenBoer and Davy Force take Stanley Kubrick's horror classic The Shining, and recut and edit it into a short that's completely unbelievable. The result may be only five minutes, but majorly tests your patience, leaving viewers to witness something beyond belief, comprehension and any sort of enjoyment. An idea that would've been better left in the rubbish.



11. 31

"A Rob Zombie Film". After viewing this picture, I'm unsure of four other words which can adorn a movie poster and feel like such a bad omen. From the opening to the non-ending, it's apparent that no passion or effort has been attempted throughout this film. As a film, 31 is as lacking in originality, excitement and effort as its own title.

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10. Hardcore Henry

Hardcore Henry has a decent idea at its core, which is to make a film completely from a first person perspective. The result, however, comes off like a poor "Let's Play" of a mediocre Playstation game, where the main character merely shaking his head leaves things difficult to view.

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9. Bad Santa 2

2003's Bad Santa was a lovely alternative to the annual onslaught of sickeningly sweet Christmas films. Bad Santa 2 offers, at best, an alternative to banging ones head against a brick wall. Director Mark Waters manages to waste Billy Bob Thornton on a variety of sex positions and a barrage of needless curse words. An extremely nihilistic and mean spirited picture, this beats holocaust drama Son Of Saul to be 2016's most depressing picture.

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8. Independence Day: Resurgence

There's a good reason Independence Day is fondly remembered 20 years after its release. It has no allusions about itself, simply wishing to deliver big action fun for viewers, along with moments which stick in your mind, such as the famed destruction of the White House. At the core of it all, one could feel Roland Emmerich trying to deliver a great picture, which leaves one wondering where that drive has gone after 20 years.

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7. Yoga Hosers

If it was revealed Yoga Hosers was a vanity project for the leads, made around the bitter ramblings of Kevin Smith, it wouldn't be a surprise. The veteran director has churned out a cheap picture, lacking in attempt. At best, it's a strong example of why a restraining order should be made to keep Smith away from the horror genre.
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6. Fifty Shades of Black

Whether they were intentioned or not, it's troubling when a source material delivers more laughs than its own comedic parody, bearing in mind comedic is used VERY loosely in this instance. At this current moment, Fifty Shades of Black is 2016's cinematic equivalent of faecal matter.


Sharkando 4 poster.jpg5. Sharknado: The 4th Awakens

Enough is enough. Sharknado: The 4th Awakens marks the fourth time The Asylum have played this irritating & overlong attempt at a joke, and it remains as unfunny as the previous three times. The effects haven't changed since the first film, along with the lazy cameos and the pathetic attempts at logic, as more emphasis is put upon forced references, and putting things before the word "Nado". I'll end this with a quote that proves the screenwriting process contained heavy drug use: "My mother's a shark, not a robot".


Collateral Beauty poster.png4. Collateral Beauty

Here's a picture that's shockingly misguided. Collateral Beauty has Will Smith portraying a grieving father, who's visited by the physical manifestations of Love, Time and Death. What's so bad about that, you ask? Love, Time and Death are really actors, hired by Smith's supposed friends, in order to make him look crazy and lose his role at the company. It's a completely manipulative and underhanded tactic, made by characters we're actually expected to root for, in a picture just as manipulative to its audiences.

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3. Nine Lives

Nine Lives won't leave viewers caring about the characters, least of all our lead. All that'll be left in viewers mind is wondering what disturbing secret Kevin Spacey kept hidden through starring in this cinematic dross, or why it wasn't released straight to DVD. If this film were a living creature, one would be doing a great service by stuffing it in a bag full of rocks and throwing it in a river.

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2. Norm of the North


Whenever a less than stellar animated film is released, "It's for the kids" is often uttered in the films defence. There's nothing wrong with the young ones being entertained, but when the project is so devoid of life, any kind of effort, and carries the brain cells of an average french fry, there's a problem. In an age where animated films don't have to talk down to young viewers, Norm of the North is a relic which attempts the opposite, to disastrous results.

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1. Dirty Grandpa

To call Dan Mazer's work here half-assed is overestimating things, as Dirty Grandpa is a toxic waste of celluloid, unless one has a long seated desire to see Robert De Niro masturbating. Populated by unlikeable characters, a third act twist where they fall victim to ravenous zombies would have been more than welcome.




Disagree/Agree with my choices? Be sure to voice your opinions in the comments below.

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