The Queen's Corgi (2019)

Director: Ben Stassen, Vincent Kesteloot
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Starring: Jack Whitehall, Julie Walters, Sheridan Smith, Ray Winstone, Matt Lucas, Tom Courtenay, Anthony Skordi, Colin MacFarlane, Ian McKee, Jon Culshaw, Debra Stephenson

Given to the Queen as a gift, Rex (Jack Whitehall) is her Top Dog. After an unfortunate set of circumstances leaves him in an animal shelter, he intends on finding his way back to his beloved owner, and earning his title as Top Dog.

From the opening moments, we bear witness to dead eyed visual effects bringing alive this harmless, yet unremarkable, tale of the Queen adoring her new Corgi. Things then sour pretty quickly, as the voice actors work comes through these CG animals, and the eponymous figure is shown to be an unlikeable arse. Looking down on his friends due to his status, chucking things at them without a care, it's hard to get behind the lead when you're secretly hoping for them to headline an Old Yeller remake.

Then, into the film comes a cartoon rendering of Donald Trump, wanting to take selfies with everyone. He then brings his dog into the film, where Trump makes a casual reference to his "grabbing" comments, shockingly played for laughs. If that wasn't enough, his dog is left in a room with the Queen's corgi, in the hopes of uniting the two countries (through canine marriage?), and then sees a sexual assault casually occur, before the Corgi bites Trump on the genitals.

Believe it or not, the plot then further spirals, as a botched attempt on our leads life leads him to wind up in a kennel, where he falls in love with a fish dog called Wanda, currently involved with an antagonistic pit-bull voiced by Ray Winstone. We're expected to buy into this romance, but the way it plays out, Wanda comes off as never in love with our lead, but a gold digger who wants to trick her way into such a successful lifestyle. If anything, this part of the story is an excuse for a bit of classism, as the upper-class Rex looks down on his love rival, claiming it'll work out for him because of "fine breeding".

If that wasn't enough, the kennel subplot is also host to a "Fight Club", where we see dogs fighting one another for amusement. Because what's the best source of humour for kids? Plot points centred around references to an 18 rated film. There's also a sniffer dog who's addicted to cocaine, and a bit of casual homophobia. Allow me to reiterate.

All of this, is aimed at children!

The only way The Queen's Corgi could be anymore of a car crash is if the Duke of Edinburgh was the driver. This is a toxic waste of celluloid that doesn't deserve to be put in the same room as children, let alone the same plane of existence.